GaiaOnline Sucks

”I originally thought that only homosexuals would play Gaia Online. Boy, was I wrong!” — Derek Liu, maker of Gaia Online 

A few months ago, one of our employees, Medley, had the privilege to meet Derek Liu The Great, the mastermind of Gaia Online and member of FBI Top 10 Most Wanted. Four months later, we were offered this unique chance again, and after sacrificing a lamb in a summoning ritual, Derek Liu appeared to us, fatter and nerdier than ever. It was a unique chance to interview him for the launching of GaiaOnlineSucks so naturally we weren’t going to miss it. Chaos Programmer, from Chaos Programming, led the interview for us!

Chaos Programmer: Dear Derek Liu, thank you for giving us this interview. As you know, we are here to celebrate the official launch of GaiaOnlineSucks.com. Any comment you’d like to make on this website, Mister Liu?

Derek Liu: Madam Liu.

CP: Oh. What happened?

DL: Do you need a picture?

CP: Uhh… No thanks. Tell me something, huh… madam Liu: Gaia Online has been around since 2003 or so. GaiaOnlineSucks.com domain name was purchased in 2007. Yahoo, wikipedia, google, world of warcraft, chacha, everquest and neopets repesctive ‘’sucks’’ domains have all been purchased by their respective owners. Why didn’t you do the same? A domain is only 2 dollars a year.

DL: Yeah… well… now that you mention it… I guess I didn’t expect anyone from Gaia Online to have the intelligence to make a website. Also, I must say I prefer to invest my money into estrogens. 

CP: Or hot hentai porn on the fire!

DL: Ah, shut up. You’re pissing me off with this stupid gag I made.

CP: Sorry…what’s wrong, madam Liu, you seem so bitter and sad…

DL: Sorry, I’m in my week [he/she starts to cry with a sad face ]

CP: Alright. Just wondering… is there anything special you do in your… week?

DL: I ban hundreds of random people I tagged as ‘’obviously botting’’ although they never touched a fucking bot of their lives, just for the hell of it. I also release even more stupid donations crap with a big poster saying ‘’GIVE MORE MONEY YOU ASSHOLES’’ and generally just act like a fucking bitch that loves to piss off everyone I see. Wait a minute… that’s what I do everyday…

CP: Yeah, that’s true. A comment about the Automatic Unbanner Chaos Programming made. This was a long awaited project and led to a complete revolution on Gaia Online. What do you think of it?

DL: Well… it’s actually easier to unban an account using unbanner than using the PhP controls (that I never fully understood anyway). To resume, I purchased the unbanner to unban any account that would have been banned by mistake.

CP: You mean you already unbanned unfairly banned accounts?

DL: No, of course not, but that could happen in the future, and I prefer to be prepared. That’s called risk management.

CP: Like when you give kids gold after raping them?

DL: Exactly. That way, I don’t get any problem, and FBI don’t get any neither.

CP: I see. What can you tell us about the history of Gaia Online?

DL: It sucked from step one to now.

CP: Yeah but… where did the idea came from?

DL: Gaia Online was originally called ‘’Gay-a Online’’ and was a place for homosexuals and pedophiles to meet. Its goal still hasn’t changed, but it is now known as Gaia Online. Marketing purposes.

CP: Correct. What surprised you the most off Gaia Online?

DL: I originally though that only homosexuals would play Gaia Online. Boy, what I wrong!

CP: Indeed, as it is now one of the biggest English board on the internet, which shows Internet II might not be such as bad idea, after all. Anyway, could you please tell us an EXCLUSIVE ‘’secret’’ about the future of Gaia Online?

DL: It’s going to keep sucking hardcore.

CP: That’s… not a secret, madam Liu!

DL: It used to be one before GaiaOnlineSucks.com came out.

CP: Very true madam Liu. Before we move on the next part, can you tell us a bit more about your future projects?

DL: I am currently working on a website called ‘’Pedophiles Online’’ which will be a game similar to Gaia Online, except that the point of the game will be to undress the avatar instead of dressing it. That’s pure genius since all necessary items are already drawn. The avatar will come already fully suited and for 2.50$ per month you will be allowed to remove one cloth of your choice. We expect the first avatar to be fully naked at around 2044.

CP: Wow, nice! Okay, we are now moving to my favourite part of the interview: the rapid-fire questions. Whatever we ask, you have to answer in less than five seconds. Clear enough! Ready?

DL: No, but neither was Gaia Online when I released it.

CP: First question: What is your dream in life?

DL: To purchase a big boat called ‘’Inside pleasures’’ and put a lot of little kids from Gaia Online on it and then navigate to international waters. Bye bye, American laws! Bye bye, age of consent! Pff… like I respected age of consent anyway! 

CP: Hmmm… that was longer than five seconds, but oh well, I can’t really expect you to follow such a simple rule. Alright, madam Liu second question, from forum members of Chaos Programming: why are you so strict on botters?

DL: Because I can’t tolerate to see programmers more talented than me.

CP: You must not tolerate to see a lot of people!

DL: How do you think I choose my moderators! (Starts to laugh)

CP: Ha ha ha! What do you have to answer to the people saying you are a fucker that you would do anything for cash?

DL: That they got a good sense of observation.

CP: What do you answer to GaiaOnlineSucks when they say Gaia Online has been incredibly boring and going downhill since 2006?

DL: I’d ask them where they were in 2004 because Gaia was still as boring and shitty.

CP: Very true, mister Liu! Next question: if you could go back in time to fix one mistake, which one would it be?

DL: My birth.

CP: Do you prefer to rape males or females?

DL: No preferences.

CP: Speaking of it, have you decided if you wanted to be a man or woman yet?

DL: Not really, no. My surgeon keeps changing it every week.

CP: But… isn’t it hard to remove and put back the… you know, the penis?

DL: Bahhhhh… it’s so small anyway.

CP: Huh, alright. What is your favourite travel location?

DL: Thailand.

CP: Ahh? You like Thai food?

DL (laughing): Yeah, the food, right *rollesyes*.

CP: What do you answer to GOS accusations of Gaia Online being a pedophile heaven?

DL: Any place I will be will be a pedophile heaven.

CP: If you could fix one thing forever in Gaia Online, what would it be?

DL: Everything.

CP: If you could have sex with one of Gaia avatars, would you do it?

DL: Why do you even ask?

CP: Do you have a pet?

DL(lol’ing): Yeah… a very ‘’special’’ kind of pet. ROFLMAO!

CP: Do you intend to have kids?

DL(lol’ing even more): Ha ha ha oh my god stop with the jokes!

CP: Ha ha ha sorry about that! Madam Liu, thank you, sincerely, for your time! Anything we can wish you for the future of Gaia Online?

DL: That it will be shut down.

CP: But then, where would the little kids go?

DL: In my bed.

CP: Ha ha ha! Alright, madam Liu, good luck in… whatever you are planning!

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